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Experiencing a Stillbirth

Sometimes in life, things happen that are out of our control, we like to think we have everything under control ( especially where our bodies are concerned)

I never in a million years thought I would have been in situations where my body would not do what in society it is supposed to. Having been pregnant before and having such an easy pregnancy, I felt I was naive to believe that once I got to 20 weeks in pregnancy, this was it, I am having a baby Yey. I lost 2 babies very early on before becoming pregnant with Ava, I thought she was my rainbow 🌈 baby, I thought I would finally have the baby I had longed for.

Throughout the pregnancy everything seemed fine, I was healthy, even glowing for the most part, apart from the normal worrying. I thought … this was it.

We did a reveal in November with a firework. And had a gathering, that night was amazing I was very emotional. That’s when we found out we were having a girl.

On the 18/12/2018 I had been at work, not stopped all day, finally sat down and thought, I’ve not felt her much today. I sat and had a coffee which usually made her kick. Nothing.

I moved around. Wobbled my belly. Nothing. Still not concerned. Just thought i was been silly.

I rang the hospital they told me to lie down on my side and drink ice water, if nothing happened within 2 hours I needed to go to the hospital straight away.

I only managed to sit and wait for 1 hour. And I decided to go, alone and get her checked. What I was about to be told was not what I expected.

They were checking me which felt like hours. The longest 10 minutes of my life. Looking at the midwife’s face. I knew something was wrong. I was then told the dreaded words that no mum to be should ever have to hear.

I am sorry …. there is no heartbeat. 💔

At this point, it was like I froze. My full body stopped. As crazy as it seems I couldn’t even cry. I went into complete shock. Not a tear in sight. I just said thank you I’d like to go home now. I remember getting into the car. But do not remember the drive home. I’m not even sure how I managed to get home safely. But when I did arrive home that is when it hit me. Like a brick to the heart. it was then that I couldn’t stop crying. It was like a huge wave of tears that just had no stop button. I felt sick, numb. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. Why? Why has this happend?


I want you to know this is not your fault, you haven’t done anything wrong. You are not to blame. It has taken me 5 years to be able to say that. I spent many nights going over things I’d done, maybe I walked too much that day, maybe I laid wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten what I did. Maybe I should have listened more and not done that cleaning. There were so many things I thought about and punished myself over and over again. Beating myself up. I just needed an answer.

I went into hospital on the 22/12/18 and I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who weighed 1lb 9 ounces. My midwife was amazing and I will forever be grateful to her. She dressed her for me as I was too scared to see her. As I didn’t know what she would look like. It’s all very scary. I knew she wouldn’t look how we imagine babies to look when they are born. She would look different. But how different I didn’t know.

She got her dressed and said Katie she is absolutely beautiful. Would you like to see her? I couldn’t wait then.

she was right. She was beautiful, she even had her arms crossed over, she looked really peaceful. Little rosie lips, and tiny ears. I found myself having pictures with her. Smiling? How could I possibly have pictures with her smiling? At such a devasting time? Well I don’t know myself but I felt proud. So proud. I spent as much time as I could with her but then had to make the hardest decision to leave.

It was Christmas time, I had to make sure I got home for my 6 year old. I couldn’t be there for her on Christmas day and miss it. I gave Ava a kiss, and told her I loved her with tears rolling down my face. I left the room and couldn’t look back, I knew if I did I wouldn’t leave her again and it would make it harder.

I went home and tried to enjoy Christmas as much as I could. Everybody was happy, I didn’t want to happy. I just wanted to lay in my bed. Shut the world out and not speak to anyone. But I couldn’t. I had another child that depended on me and needed me. I had to find a way to get through it.

I started making things, jewelry mainly. I enjoyed it. It gave me something to focus on and not think about things.

I felt a little happier. This was the beginning of my journey. My healing.


I found out I was pregnant again in June 2019. I was happy but so scared. It was so soon. Every day was torture for me. I didn’t enjoy the pregnancy. I wish i did. But it would be very untrue for me to say. Everything was fine this time around, and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on the 9/3/2020. He is beautiful. He is 3 now. I never wanted to have a baby to replace Ava. She will never be replaced. I just wanted my baby to hold. To fill my arms and life again.

I now run my own business in memory of Ava, I specialise in cremation jewellery, and flower preservation.

It is the best and most rewarding job I have ever done. It’s my life. Not only do I get to help others in their grief and time of need. Ava’s memory lives on.

I wanted to tell my story, so that others who may come across this, or experience this, can have some hope. That things can get better, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Seek all the support that is offered. There are so many charities, support pages, support groups on Facebook and Instagram.

You will get through this, you will heal. And your babies will always always be with you. 🩷👼

You will never get over your loss, but you will find a way to cope better with your loss. I promise you that.

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